Yesterday, while putting Ally in the car to go to church:

"What coat is this, Mommy? *sniffs my coat* Smells like blackberries."

And today I learned two things:
1. PB&J and peanut butter and jelly are two different things
2. putting your hands on your naked butt and saying "But Mommy, I'm covering!" is an acceptable alternative to pants.

Tomorrow morning I am taking Allyson to the doctor for her flu shot. And she cannot wait because "there are toys in the waiting room, Mommy. I am going to play with them." Five minutes later she said: "I have to go to the hospital right now. I'm sick,I need my flu shot."

Some days I wonder where she comes up with this crazy stuff. Then she tells me things like "you're my best mommy," and all of a sudden I don't care anymore.

"I have a joke for you," Allyson said to me this morning.

Allyson knows exactly two jokes:

1. How do you know there's been an elephant in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter
and
2. A certain knock-knock joke involving bananas and "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Only her punchline is "Banana Boots," or "banana Dora," or "banana (insert favorite character du jour here)

So anyway: "I have a joke for you. I call it 'Banana Joke.'"
"Oh yeah? Let me have it."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Banana Boots!"

And of course I laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.  I guess it's her catchphrase.

Speaking of: SNL - Kings of Catchphrase Comedy 2. I totally want to get on the radio at work and go "SLAPPY PAPPY WEH-WEH!"

Today, we were on the way to the library for story time. Halfway there we were passed by an ambulance, lights blaring.

Allyson: Mommy! What's that?
Me: Well, that's an ambulance. They take sick people to the hospital.
Allyson: And little kids can play in the waiting room!
Me: .... sure, honey.

Naptime for Dora.

Allyson was playing in her room this morning. She was putting her Dora Ballerina doll down for a nap, and wanted to read her a storybook. But first, of course, was to drag over her little Elmo chair. For some reason, the Elmo chair had her Elmo microwave in it. (You can totally tell what Ally's favorite TV show was last Christmas.)

Ally moved the microwave.  It then talked to her: "What are you making?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just reading a storybook to Dora."

Then she asked me to please leave, and got mad at me when I did it.

Music and Lyrics

Ben is really involved with music. He plays three instruments (clarinet, trombone and guitar), leads our church's praise band, has led our church's bell choir (but is stepping back because he wants to play again), and arranges stuff on occasion.

Recently our choir director (who is also our new bell director) wanted us to play a hymn. She has old music-writing software; she printed out a copy of what she'd written and gave it to Ben to take home and clean up.

Today, Allyson found a sheet of the old music. 

"Mommy!" she said, running up to me. "I worked very hard. I wrote this song for my daddy."

"Oh, great! Will you sing it for me?"

"Nope. I don't have a microphone."

"Please?"

"No microphone, no song."

And then I died of laughter.

She later scribbled on the music with a crayon, so I guess she KIND OF wrote a song. Ben was just impressed that she knew it was supposed to be music.

Allyson has ANOTHER cold. ANOTHER ONE. Good gravy.  She managed to work this one into her bedtime prayer last night too:

"Dear God, thank you for everything. Help me to feel much better. You love us even when we're not happy because we don't feel very good. We love you too. Jesus' name, Amen."

A trio of stories.

1. Saturday morning we were all hanging around before I had to be at work at noon. All of a sudden Allyson runs up to Ben, pulls down her pants and says: "DADDY! LOOK AT MY BUTT!"

2. This morning I woke up Allyson to tell her our Halloween plans.

"We're going to eat breakfast, and do some laundry at Grandma Sue's house. Then when Daddy gets home from work we'll put your costume on and go down to Grandma Deb and Grandpa Jim's house to go trick or treating. After that Grandpa Jim's going to feed us chili."

"That sounds nice. I will be dressed as a cat. You're just going to be dressed like my mommy."

Fun aside: Ben is going to wear his Albert Pujols t-shirt and carry around a small suitcase. He's going as Free Agent Pujols.

3. Just now, I was folding laundry in my mom's basement. Ally came down to "help" and saw a hole in the wall where a register cover goes (Mom hasn't gotten around to replacing it yet."

Ally: That's a hole. Duh.

Me (cracking up): What was that?

Ally: That was my voice saying duh.

She's so goofy.

Thanks a lot, kid.

Allyson was watching Dora while I got the breakfast stuff cleaned up. I started to dance around a little, mostly to try and wake myself up (I stayed up way too late watching the Cardinals win last night).

Allyson looks up and says: "Stop dancing, Mommy. You're bad at it."

Gee, thanks a bunch.

Allyson has a little friend named Becca. Becca is about three weeks older than Allyson is. Her grandma is our choir director at church; her mom and I were due roughly around the same time and were even in the same childbirth class.

Tonight, during choir practice, the nursery volunteer said that Allyson and Becca were playing grocery store. Allyson was cashier; Becca was her customer.

Allyson: You got money for your groceries?
Becca: Nope.
Allyson: So get a credit card.
Becca: Okay!

The other funny I have to report is this: Ben's parents are keeping Allyson overnight tomorrow night. We were telling Allyson this:

Me: And tomorrow, you'll be having a sleepover at Grandma Deb's house!
Allyson: Grandpa Jim's gonna make popcorn!

My question: Does Grandpa Jim know that?

We're famous!

Well, kind of.

Way before I started this blog - like a few weeks before Allyson turned three - Allyson said something hysterical. I e-mailed it into Parents Magazine because they run funny quotes from kids on the last page of every issue. I thought, it'll be great if it gets in but no big deal if it doesn't.

Flash forward to yesterday. The November issue of Parents was in my mailbox. And our quote was in it!

Here is the long version of the quote they ran:

Ben and I are trying to teach Allyson manners. On this particular day she wanted some crackers. So Ben, wanting her to ask politely, said: "Can you say, 'please may I have some crackers?'"
Allyson answered: "Sure thing, Daddy. Get me some too."

I get absolutely nothing except for the thrill of being in print. But it's pretty cool.

Bedtime Prayers

We've been praying with Allyson before bed. It's part of our routine - I read her a book (sometimes two, sometimes 15), and then Ben comes in and we pray together. He usually leads us, but tonight he had a committee meeting at church so all the bedtime stuff was left to me.

Allyson decided she wanted to do the prayer all by herself. Here is what she came up with. Keep in mind she is still feeling a little puny because of this cold she picked up someplace:

"Dear God. Thank you for everything. Help me to feel much better. I'm not always good, but I'll do better. You love us and we love you back. Jesus' name, Amen."

I can be kind of cynical sometimes.  Usually only on days that end in y. But this totally made my heart grow three sizes.

Allyson is currently kind of upset because:

"I can't poof myself in the TV."

Not even sure what to say to that.

I think Allyson has a cold. Oh, joy of joys. I'm not sure exactly where she got it. Maybe the nursery at church? Anyway, she woke up this morning with a stuffy nose.

"Oh, Mommy. My nose doesn't work. I need medicine."

My medicine cabinet, as far as Ally is concerned, is kind of sad: Children's Tylenol, Children's Claritin (she unfortunately inherited her mom's allergies), and... uh... some Hyland's teething tablets I should probably get rid of except I can't find an expiration date.  So I gave her some Claritin and left it at that.

I hate cold season.

Goodnight, Moon.

Last night after choir practice at church, I was getting Allyson out of the van.

Allyson: Look, Mommy, it's the moon!
Me: Sure is!
Allyson: It looks like an egg. It might hatch soon.
Me: Oh? And what do you think is going to hatch out of there?
Allyson: A baby chick. (sigh) I don't see any shooting stars tonight, just regular ones.
Me: I don't think I've ever seen a shooting star either, so don't feel bad.
Allyson: Mommy? When the moon hatches a baby chick, will the baby chick grow up and lay another moon?
Me: Uh... I guess so.
Allyson: Good. I'm sleepy, where are my jammies?

Allyson's new tent came yesterday. And she is in love.  But:  "We forgot something, Mommy."

Oh yeah?What'd we forget?

"The hippo.  This tent needs a hippo."
Where on Earth did you get that idea?
"On the box. There's a hippo in there. But not in mine."

So guess who's probably getting a stuffed hippo for Christmas?

Baseball.

It's October, which means: Baseball playoffs! Our beloved Cardinals won the NL Wild Card, and are currently on the wrong end of a 1-0 series with the Phillies.  Anyway, before tonight's game started we were watching the other National League Divisional Series: Arizona Diamondbacks at Milwaukee Brewers.  Allyson is not as into baseball as Ben and I yet, but she is getting there:

Allyson: I want to play a baseball game.
Me: Yeah?
Allyson: Yep. Looks fun.
Me: Okay, Ally. How do you play baseball?
Allyson: You get the bat. And then you wait for the guy to throw the ball to you. Then you swing the bat, and smash the ball!
Me (cracking up): Then what?
Allyson: Oh, you run. You have to run. If you walk, you lose.

I also asked her advice on who to root for in that series, since I kind of like both Arizona and Milwaukee. Guess I'm going with Milwaukee, since she advised that I root for "the blue guys."

You will receive a fortune (cookie)

Ben had an eye appointment today. Our eye doctor is in a strip mall-type joint, two doors down from a Chinese restaurant. So he brought home a big batch of sweet and sour chicken and fried rice for lunch. (Allyson, ever the adventurous eater, took two bites of my chicken and asked for a PB&J.)

It came time for fortune cookies, which Allyson enjoyed much more than the sweet and sour chicken. She was particularly interested in the fortunes:

"I will read this to you, Mommy. What does it say?"
"I don't know, Ally, what does it say?"
*after scrutinizing the paper for a moment* "It says 'Good people.'"

And now she is sitting on the couch, watching The Wiggles (hey, who is this Sam guy? What happened to Greg?) and making this screeching noise I can only describe as non-human.

*screech*
"Allyson Joy! What do you think you're doing?"
"Just going like this: *screech*!"
"Well, stop that. You're giving me a headache."
"You should go have some coffee."

She's right, I probably should.

A-Camping We Will Go

Ben's sister got Allyson a play tent for her birthday. Kerri got a really good deal on it, and when we went to put it together we figured out why: Thing didn't come with tent poles! So, with no way to make it stand up, we kind of hid it in a corner until we get around to getting a new one.

Allyson found it today. I figured out how to get it to stand up: Long scarf attached to the top, taped to the drop ceiling. Hey, it works, okay? And she is having a blast in there.  She even dragged in her blanket and pillow and informed me she will see me in the morning.

"Okay, Ally. Good night, love you. Don't get eaten by bears."
"I won't eat a bear, Mommy, that's silly."

She also mentioned that she was a team. Huh.

Fingers.

These are the official names of fingers, according to Allyson:

Thumb = thumb

Pointer = "I don't know." Allyson, it's a pointer. "Oh. That's funny."

Middle = "That tall one."

Ring = ringmaster

Pinky = pinky

My favorite is totally the ringmaster.

Apple Picking

So today is my mom's birthday. If she happens to read this - Happy birthday, Mom! :)

To celebrate, she took Allyson apple picking at Tanner's Orchard. We got a nice big bowlful of apples that I will probably have to make apple crisp out of. I'm not much of a pie maker. Anyway:

Me: Ally! What did you guys do at Tanner's?
Allyson: We pick apples! It was fun.
Me: Yeah? What else did you do?
Allyson: Just... ride the little train. That was long. And we fed the goats.
Me: You fed goats! How was that?
Allyson: It felt good. The goats tickled me.
Me: What else did you do?
Allyson: Drank.

Just soda, you guys. I checked.

Me: And then Grandma Sue took you out for supper, right?
Allyson: Yeah, I ate chicken nuggets!
Me: Good! Do you think Grandma Sue had a nice birthday?
Allyson: Yeah.
Me: Why?
Allyson: Because she loves me. When's Daddy coming home? I want a cupcake.

So there you go.

If I'd-a known you were coming, I'd-a baked you a cake.

My mom's birthday is on Saturday. For her birthday present, she wants to take Allyson apple-picking. So I decided to explain this today:

Me: Allyson! Did you know that Saturday is Grandma Sue's birthday?

Allyson: Oh! Can I help?

Me: Help with what?

Allyson: The cake!

Me: Uh... how do I say this... well, Ally, I wasn't planning on making a cake.

Allyson: (*big sigh*) MOMMY. Everybody gets a chocolate cake on their birthday.

So, looks like I'm baking a cake now.

Anyway:

Me: And for her birthday, she wants to take you apple-picking.

Allyson: YAY! I don't know what that is.

Me: It's where you go and pick apples off the trees.

Allyson: To eat them?

Me: Sure.

Allyson: YAY! Can we put them in the cake?

Me: I certainly hope not.

Allyson: I will eat mine with peanut butter.

Great, now I want apples.

"Mommy, Henry is a dog."

Yes. Yes he is.

Henry is one of my mom's two dogs. He is a mutt. The vet's office has officially classified him as a "coon hound mix." He's about seven years old. I"m not sure what is in the rest of the mix, but judging by his usual demeanor I would bet it's espresso.

Anyway, Henry recently hurt one of his back paws. My brother took him to the vet today for x-rays and all that. Paw's not broken but the tendon is strained. The vet had to sedate him for testing, so he's still a little dopey from all the medicine.

Allyson, as is her way, is trying to comfort him: "Oh, Henry. Poor baby dog. Your leg hurts. But you'll get over it." And now she's trying to keep Frances (the other dog, an 11-year-old Brittany spaniel and about as threatening as a newly born kitten) away from him. "FRAN! Henry is hurt. You stay away, you'll scare him."

I'm not sure which dog I feel more sorry for right now.

We are at my mom's doing laundry today. (What? We live in an apartment with no onsite laundry and it's cheaper than the Laundromat). Mom has turned my brother Kevin's room (which used to be my room when I still lived here) into a room for Allyson. She is in there playing with a little dollhouse:

"Wake up! It's morning time! Oh, Daddy, you can't be asleep on the toilet. Beds are for sleeping, toilets are for peeing."

I have been married to Ben for a little over nine years now and have no recollection of him ever falling asleep on the toilet. So I have no clue where this came from.

We have on the Cardinals/Phillies game. Roy Halladay just struck someone out.

Allyson: "Nice throw, you dude."

NOTE: We are Cardinals fans. Roy Halladay does not play for the Cardinals.

A Series of Dreams

Last week, for three mornings in a row, Allyson greeted me with a recap of what she dreamed about.

Tuesday: "I had a bad dream. The boy hit my head with a red pot. That's not good, Mommy."

Wednesday:  "This time I had a nice dream. The boy hit my head again. But this time it was funny."

Thursday: "Oh, Mommy, I had a scary dream. The boy wasn't there. But a dinosaur picked me up. I didn't like it, and I told him to put me down. He did, and he went to find his mommy. But it still scared me."

I am curious as to who this boy is. Also: Nice to see that the dinosaur respected her boundaries.

Welcome!

This is Allyson:

Allyson is three. This picture was actually taken on her third birthday, while en route to a children's museum my mother-in-law and I took her to. 

Looks perfectly normal, right? 

This normal-looking child says some of the most hilarious things. I was encouraged to write them down someplace, so this blog was born.

To start, here is what I'm sure is an instant classic from last night. We are trying to potty-train her, and it's going pretty okay, I guess. She hasn't quite figured out that she can also poop in the potty. But anyway, we were at my in-laws' and she comes running in. Ben (my husband) asks: "Allyson, did you poop?"

Allyson's reply: "No. Yeah. No. Not in my socks, bye."