Saturday, February 22, 2014

In honor of Presidents Day

Some Presidential facts, as presented by Allyson:

Allyson: Did you know George Washington did not live in the White House?
Me: Really? That's neat.
Allyson: Yeah. They finished it after he was President. But a few days ago, they finished it!
Me: A few days ago?!
Allyson: I was just kidding. But they DID finish it after the dinosaurs were killed.

(time lapse)
Me: So, was Abraham Lincoln born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands?
Allyson (laughing): NO! His parents built it! But he did like wearing tall hats.
Me: He did? Why?
Allyson: His other hat was small, and he liked the tall hat better. One time he was walking under a rope and he got stuck.
Me: The tall hat?
Allyson: Yup.
Me: Well, why didn't he just take the hat off?
Allyson: Uh... he really liked that hat. And he didn't want to lose it. Also George Washington had to wear a wig.
Me: Had to?
Allyson: Yeah, they didn't have hair back then.

So there you have it.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Hi! Way to disappear for ALMOST TWO YEARS

But things have been happening: We switched churches, we moved across town, Allyson started Kindergarten, and my grandmother had a stroke. She survived it and is doing... okay, I guess. She refuses to partake in any rehab, though.

Anyway, my apologies to all four of you who read this. Heh.

I have lots of Ally quotes to share with you, so let's dig in:

#1: Scenes from a Sunday School Christmas Party
Ben and I have been attending an adult Sunday school class at our new church. We have been really enjoying it so far. Most everyone is around the same age and have kids close to Allyson's age. In fact, two of the aforementioned kids (Griffin and Jaxon) were in Allyson's preschool class! Which made the transition really easy for her. But I digress.

Anyway, our class had a Christmas party for everyone and their families. And, well, this happened:

Allyson: MOMMY! Jaxon kissed me! Right here on the face. (points to her cheek)
Me: What?! Why would he do that?
Allyson: Because he's in love with me. I thought it was gross, though. So I put my face in the water fountain and washed it off.

#2: On Wishes and Kidnapping
Before I dive in, I have to briefly mention another thing that happened since I disappeared: My brother and his girlfriend welcomed a baby girl, Caileigh, in November 2012. I babysit her a couple times a week, to help them out (they're both correctional officers at a local prison, but Marcy works first shift and Dan works second so there's about a two-hour window where there's nobody to watch the kiddo.) Anywho...

Allyson: Oh, there's a star. We should wish on it. (We do.) I wished for a My Little Pony Equestria Girl. What did you wish for, Mommy?
Me: Well, I kind of wish we could have another baby.
Allyson: We could just take Caileigh.
Me: Uh, no. No, no, no. We cannot just take Caileigh.
Allyson: And why not?
Me: Well... for one thing, it's kind of rude.
Allyson: Yeah. And we might get kidnapped by the police.
Me (after a fit of laughter): That would be the best-case scenario, there.

#3: John Cena is Nobody's Father
Allyson: Hey, Mommy! Guess who Garin's dad is? John Cena!
(Garin is a boy in her class.)
Me: Uh, I kind of doubt that, Allyson.
Allyson: What? It's true, Garin said so!
Me: Just because Garin said it doesn't mean it's true. Do you even know who John Cena is?
Allyson: No. I mean, yes.
Me: Oh, yeah? Who is he?
Allyson: ...someone's dad?
Me: *facepalm*

I promise not to drop off the face of the Earth this time!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

the Post-Easter Blues.

I took our Easter window clings down on Tuesday, because I forgot to do it on Monday. This development made Allyson quite peeved. By way of explanation, I told her that they had to come down since Easter was over. This made her even more peeved. Then I *thought* she forgot about it.

Yesterday she was playing in her room so I decided to check some e-mail. Suddenly she comes out, crawls in my lap, and looks up at me with those big blue eyes.

"Yes, Ally?"
"Are you very sorry you ruined my life?"
"When did I ruin...oh, is this because Easter's over?"
"Oh, okay. In that case, no. Not even a little."

Who knew window clings were such a big deal?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Story of the Titanic

Our local library offers story time. They have one for preschoolers on Monday evenings or Tuesday mornings, and for toddlers on Wednesday mornings. I take Allyson to the Tuesday morning one. It's fun - they read a couple of books about that day's topic, they sing some songs, and there's a craft afterwards.

This week's topic: The Titanic. Which, as my friend Amanda (a children's librarian at a different library) pointed out, is kind of a heavy topic for preschoolers. But I'm reasonably sure they skipped over the whole "corpses bobbing in the sea" portion. (Totally stole that from Whose Line is it Anyway?).

I asked Allyson to tell me what the story was about. And here now, is the story of the Titanic, as told by Allyson J. Funk (age 3.5):

Well, Mommy, there was a boat. It was pretty big. Everything was okay until the captain hit that big ice cube. He wasn't being careful and then the boat sinked. After the boat sinked, he saw a polar bear. They got soaking wet. That's it, Mommy, that's the whole story. I want to play with the Legos before I make my craft.

If James Cameron had made that version, I probably would have liked it a little more.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Cat vs. Toddler, Round 1

Yesterday was laundry day at my mom's house. Super-fun! Sarcastically for me (I loathe doing laundry), legitimately for Allyson (Grandma Sue has CATS! And DOGS! And UNCLE KEVIN LIVES THERE! YIPPEE!)

It was nearing lunchtime and I was cooking some pasta (since it was all my mom had - have I mentioned she quit believing in going to the grocery store?). Ally was munching on some fruit snacks in the living room. All was quiet. Then, suddenly, I heard loud, anguished meowing. Then Allyson: "Oh, Waylon! You are not being kind to me!" (Waylon is one of my mom's two cats, so named because he wails a lot. The other cat, Mona, moans a lot. Such original names my mom came up with.)

In a decision I immediately regretted, I went to check it out. Everything LOOKED normal - Allyson eating fruit snacks, Waylon sitting there meowing and looking pained.

Me (a la Mr. Belding): Hey, hey, hey, *what* is going on in here?
Allyson: I wanted to share a fruit snack with Waylon but he told me "no thank you" and then he meowed at me!
Waylon: Meow.
Allyson: You stop it, Waylon! You don't want me to share with you, that isn't kind!
Waylon: *hiss*
Allyson: *hiss*
Me: Okay, that is enough out of both of you. Allyson, leave Waylon alone. Cats don't even eat fruit snacks. They eat kitty treats. Waylon, you stop hissing at Allyson right now.
Waylon: Meow. *hiss*
Me: That's it. (I picked Waylon up and tossed him into the basement.) Wow, that was weird.
Allyson: Mommy, would you like a fruit snack?
Me: Sure. Wait, did Waylon lick this one?
Allyson: *sigh* MOMMY. He told me "no thank you."

I guess I can add "cat referee" to my resume now.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Great Injustice

Ben and I have agreed to give up all food that could be construed as Bad for You for Lent. That means candy, cookies, chips, fast food, pizza, etc.  So seeing as today would be my last hurrah, I took Allyson to McDonald's for lunch. (I guess I could get salads when I go there. But how is that fun?)

We go up to the counter to order. Allyson is making small talk with the cashier - "You have Build-a-Bear toys! I want one. My mommy took me there and I got a Hello Kitty doll!" That sort of thing.  Anyway, we get our food (chicken nugget Happy Meal for her, the two-cheeseburger Value Meal for me, with Diet Dr Pepper) and sit. Pull the toy out of her Happy Meal box... it's a Star Wars toy.  I immediately brought it to the counter to exchange it for the girl toy, but Allyson has already seen the mistake.

"Aw! It's a boy toy. They gave me the boy toy! Everybody! They gave me the BOY TOY!" And the rest of the patrons in the restaurant laughed. I did not. Mostly because I knew it would be the main topic of conversation for the foreseeable future. Indeed, during the entire meal: "I got the boy toy. But you got me the girl toy, and they said they were sorry. It was a mistake, the boy toy. These are the apples that were next to the boy toy."

It's been three hours, and she still brings it up about every 20 minutes just to make sure I haven't forgotten it yet.

I just wish I knew what possessed them to give her the boy toy anyway. Perhaps they were confused by the long hair and pink coat.  And I get that sometimes girls want to play with boy toys and vice versa, but Allyson is not one of those children. Because the last time this happened (yes, this has happened more than once), I tried to convince her to keep the robot. No dice. Oh well.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Chocolate chips are the answer to all of life's problems

Ally and I baked chocolate chip cookies today. She tried to take a bite of dough.
 "No, Allyson. Don't eat the dough."
 "Because it's got raw eggs in it. That could make you sick."
 "But, Mommy, it's got chocolate chips in it. That means it's okay."

 Also, I just found out that one of my favorite SNL cast members, Paul Brittain, left the show. No more Goran "Funky Boy" Bogdan, no more Lord Cecil Wyndemere, no more "Sex" Ed Vincent! I wish him well, but am also disappointed. If Taran Killam leaves I'm swearing off that show forever.