Cat vs. Toddler, Round 1

Yesterday was laundry day at my mom's house. Super-fun! Sarcastically for me (I loathe doing laundry), legitimately for Allyson (Grandma Sue has CATS! And DOGS! And UNCLE KEVIN LIVES THERE! YIPPEE!)

It was nearing lunchtime and I was cooking some pasta (since it was all my mom had - have I mentioned she quit believing in going to the grocery store?). Ally was munching on some fruit snacks in the living room. All was quiet. Then, suddenly, I heard loud, anguished meowing. Then Allyson: "Oh, Waylon! You are not being kind to me!" (Waylon is one of my mom's two cats, so named because he wails a lot. The other cat, Mona, moans a lot. Such original names my mom came up with.)

In a decision I immediately regretted, I went to check it out. Everything LOOKED normal - Allyson eating fruit snacks, Waylon sitting there meowing and looking pained.

Me (a la Mr. Belding): Hey, hey, hey, *what* is going on in here?
Allyson: I wanted to share a fruit snack with Waylon but he told me "no thank you" and then he meowed at me!
Waylon: Meow.
Allyson: You stop it, Waylon! You don't want me to share with you, that isn't kind!
Waylon: *hiss*
Allyson: *hiss*
Me: Okay, that is enough out of both of you. Allyson, leave Waylon alone. Cats don't even eat fruit snacks. They eat kitty treats. Waylon, you stop hissing at Allyson right now.
Waylon: Meow. *hiss*
Me: That's it. (I picked Waylon up and tossed him into the basement.) Wow, that was weird.
Allyson: Mommy, would you like a fruit snack?
Me: Sure. Wait, did Waylon lick this one?
Allyson: *sigh* MOMMY. He told me "no thank you."

I guess I can add "cat referee" to my resume now.

A Great Injustice

Ben and I have agreed to give up all food that could be construed as Bad for You for Lent. That means candy, cookies, chips, fast food, pizza, etc.  So seeing as today would be my last hurrah, I took Allyson to McDonald's for lunch. (I guess I could get salads when I go there. But how is that fun?)

We go up to the counter to order. Allyson is making small talk with the cashier - "You have Build-a-Bear toys! I want one. My mommy took me there and I got a Hello Kitty doll!" That sort of thing.  Anyway, we get our food (chicken nugget Happy Meal for her, the two-cheeseburger Value Meal for me, with Diet Dr Pepper) and sit. Pull the toy out of her Happy Meal box... it's a Star Wars toy.  I immediately brought it to the counter to exchange it for the girl toy, but Allyson has already seen the mistake.

"Aw! It's a boy toy. They gave me the boy toy! Everybody! They gave me the BOY TOY!" And the rest of the patrons in the restaurant laughed. I did not. Mostly because I knew it would be the main topic of conversation for the foreseeable future. Indeed, during the entire meal: "I got the boy toy. But you got me the girl toy, and they said they were sorry. It was a mistake, the boy toy. These are the apples that were next to the boy toy."

It's been three hours, and she still brings it up about every 20 minutes just to make sure I haven't forgotten it yet.

I just wish I knew what possessed them to give her the boy toy anyway. Perhaps they were confused by the long hair and pink coat.  And I get that sometimes girls want to play with boy toys and vice versa, but Allyson is not one of those children. Because the last time this happened (yes, this has happened more than once), I tried to convince her to keep the robot. No dice. Oh well.

Chocolate chips are the answer to all of life's problems

Ally and I baked chocolate chip cookies today. She tried to take a bite of dough.
 "No, Allyson. Don't eat the dough."
 "Why?"
 "Because it's got raw eggs in it. That could make you sick."
 "But, Mommy, it's got chocolate chips in it. That means it's okay."

 Also, I just found out that one of my favorite SNL cast members, Paul Brittain, left the show. No more Goran "Funky Boy" Bogdan, no more Lord Cecil Wyndemere, no more "Sex" Ed Vincent! I wish him well, but am also disappointed. If Taran Killam leaves I'm swearing off that show forever.

Allyson is playing Angry Birds. She apparently lost: "Those mean pigs have ruined EVERYTHING." I love this kid.

Yesterday, while putting Ally in the car to go to church:

"What coat is this, Mommy? *sniffs my coat* Smells like blackberries."

And today I learned two things:
1. PB&J and peanut butter and jelly are two different things
2. putting your hands on your naked butt and saying "But Mommy, I'm covering!" is an acceptable alternative to pants.

Tomorrow morning I am taking Allyson to the doctor for her flu shot. And she cannot wait because "there are toys in the waiting room, Mommy. I am going to play with them." Five minutes later she said: "I have to go to the hospital right now. I'm sick,I need my flu shot."

Some days I wonder where she comes up with this crazy stuff. Then she tells me things like "you're my best mommy," and all of a sudden I don't care anymore.

"I have a joke for you," Allyson said to me this morning.

Allyson knows exactly two jokes:

1. How do you know there's been an elephant in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter
and
2. A certain knock-knock joke involving bananas and "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Only her punchline is "Banana Boots," or "banana Dora," or "banana (insert favorite character du jour here)

So anyway: "I have a joke for you. I call it 'Banana Joke.'"
"Oh yeah? Let me have it."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Banana Boots!"

And of course I laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.  I guess it's her catchphrase.

Speaking of: SNL - Kings of Catchphrase Comedy 2. I totally want to get on the radio at work and go "SLAPPY PAPPY WEH-WEH!"

Today, we were on the way to the library for story time. Halfway there we were passed by an ambulance, lights blaring.

Allyson: Mommy! What's that?
Me: Well, that's an ambulance. They take sick people to the hospital.
Allyson: And little kids can play in the waiting room!
Me: .... sure, honey.