"Not Me" is a great person to blame, right?

Unless you're an only child (like Allyson). Then you're just a weirdo.

Today we decided to skip Sunday School in favor of breakfast (we all woke up late and everyone but me totally forgot that Allyson was singing in church this morning; thus, Ben and I did not get food). On the way to Denny's we were stopped at a stoplight and Ben reached over and started banging on the back of my seat. I was all set to yell at Allyson for kicking the back of my chair before I realized it was Ben. I told them that, we all had a good laugh, etc.

Pulling into the Denny's parking lot, Allyson really did start kicking the back of my seat.

Me: Allyson Joy! What is that?
Allyson: Not me.
Me: That's not you kicking the back of my chair?
Allyson: Nope.
Me: You're the only one back there.
Allyson: I don't know what happened. I was just sitting here and then I heard pat, pat, pat.

And at that point, Ben and I died of laughter.

As an aside, the Grand Slamwich is totally ridiculous and completely tasty.

Sometimes, Allyson will say something that leaves everyone involved - herself included - totally confused. Case in point:

I had a load of laundry downstairs. Mom wanted me to come get it. She sent Allyson in to tell me about it.

"Grandma Sue says you need to go downstairs to help her. And get your paste down!"
"Okay. I can... wait, my what?"
*exasperated* "Your paste!"
"Uh... okay. Why do I need that?"
*shrug* "I dunno."

I got downstairs and my mother had no idea what paste Allyson could have possibly been talking about.

The mark of a great storyteller is to leave them wanting more.

Mission accomplished with this one...

Allyson: Mommy! When I got to school today Garin and Jackson were like, "Hey, Allyson." So then I was like, "Hey, guys."
(long pause)
Me: Okay. Then what?
Allyson: Oh, that was it.

Okay then.

Since I'm generous, here's a guest appearance from my mom. First, some background: My youngest brother Kevin is in the Army; he's home visiting this weekend. He has his girlfriend with him so they got a hotel. Anyway, here's a bit of a texting conversation Mom and I had:

Mom: Hey is kevin over there?
Me: No
Mom: Guess hes in town leavin the walmart
Me: Ah. What hotel is he staying at?
Mom: nope

Alrighty then! Lack of punctuation plus lack of actually having READ THE QUESTION I ASKED plus "the walmart" equals quality content.

Allyson, the Personal Assistant.

Allyson's school had its annual Spring Carnival last night. We all had a great time until the raffle, where none of us won anything and Allyson got really upset. Oh well.

We had this conversation the other day:

Allyson: So, I'm supposed to bring treats for my birthday on May 28th. Since my birthday is in, you know, July.
Me: I know when your birthday is. That's the day before your big field trip, isn't it? (Her class is going to tour the police station, then to the library, then a picnic in the park.)
Allyson: Yep. Your first field trip of Kindergarten! (I didn't go on the first one to the apple orchard, per Allyson's request - "I need to have my own adventures" - but I wasn't missing this one.)
Me: Okay. So, does Miss Sheehan know you're bringing treats in that day?
Allyson: Oh, don't worry. She'll email you with the details.

Just... what? (And so far, no email.)

And, Garin strikes again:

I was in the living room and Ben and Allyson were chatting in the kitchen. I suddenly hear:

Allyson: But Garin SAID it!
Ben: No, Allyson, I don't think that's true.
Me: What?
Ben: Allyson says Garin told her that if you cry too much, you get a headache and then you throw up.
Me: Uh, Allyson? Remember this is the kid that tried to tell you his dad was John Cena.
Allyson: Oh. Right. John Cena's not his dad. I guess he lied again!
Ben: This Garin kid doesn't sound like a reliable source of information.
Allyson: Nope. I won't ask him things anymore.

She has also (somewhat adorable, mostly annoyingly) been on a SAVE THE PLANET kick ever since they talked about Earth Day in school. I have to recycle the cans and reuse the glass jars for things and who cares if it's 38 degrees in May WE HAVE TO WALK TO SCHOOL BECAUSE IF WE DRIVE IT WILL DIRTY THE AIR!

On a side note, what is up with this weather?!

In honor of Presidents Day

Some Presidential facts, as presented by Allyson:

Allyson: Did you know George Washington did not live in the White House?
Me: Really? That's neat.
Allyson: Yeah. They finished it after he was President. But a few days ago, they finished it!
Me: A few days ago?!
Allyson: I was just kidding. But they DID finish it after the dinosaurs were killed.

(time lapse)
Me: So, was Abraham Lincoln born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands?
Allyson (laughing): NO! His parents built it! But he did like wearing tall hats.
Me: He did? Why?
Allyson: His other hat was small, and he liked the tall hat better. One time he was walking under a rope and he got stuck.
Me: The tall hat?
Allyson: Yup.
Me: Well, why didn't he just take the hat off?
Allyson: Uh... he really liked that hat. And he didn't want to lose it. Also George Washington had to wear a wig.
Me: Had to?
Allyson: Yeah, they didn't have hair back then.

So there you have it.

Hi! Way to disappear for ALMOST TWO YEARS

But things have been happening: We switched churches, we moved across town, Allyson started Kindergarten, and my grandmother had a stroke. She survived it and is doing... okay, I guess. She refuses to partake in any rehab, though.

Anyway, my apologies to all four of you who read this. Heh.

I have lots of Ally quotes to share with you, so let's dig in:

#1: Scenes from a Sunday School Christmas Party

Ben and I have been attending an adult Sunday school class at our new church. We have been really enjoying it so far. Most everyone is around the same age and have kids close to Allyson's age. In fact, two of the aforementioned kids (Griffin and Jaxon) were in Allyson's preschool class! Which made the transition really easy for her. But I digress.

Anyway, our class had a Christmas party for everyone and their families. And, well, this happened:

Allyson: MOMMY! Jaxon kissed me! Right here on the face. (points to her cheek)

Me: What?! Why would he do that?

Allyson: Because he's in love with me. I thought it was gross, though. So I put my face in the water fountain and washed it off.

#2: On Wishes and Kidnapping

Before I dive in, I have to briefly mention another thing that happened since I disappeared: My brother and his girlfriend welcomed a baby girl, Caileigh, in November 2012. I babysit her a couple times a week, to help them out (they're both correctional officers at a local prison, but Marcy works first shift and Dan works second so there's about a two-hour window where there's nobody to watch the kiddo.) Anywho...

Allyson: Oh, there's a star. We should wish on it. (We do.) I wished for a My Little Pony Equestria Girl. What did you wish for, Mommy?

Me: Well, I kind of wish we could have another baby.

Allyson: We could just take Caileigh.

Me: Uh, no. No, no, no. We cannot just take Caileigh.

Allyson: And why not?

Me: Well... for one thing, it's kind of rude.

Allyson: Yeah. And we might get kidnapped by the police.

Me (after a fit of laughter): That would be the best-case scenario, there.

#3: John Cena is Nobody's Father

Allyson: Hey, Mommy! Guess who Garin's dad is? John Cena!

(Garin is a boy in her class.)

Me: Uh, I kind of doubt that, Allyson.

Allyson: What? It's true, Garin said so!

Me: Just because Garin said it doesn't mean it's true. Do you even know who John Cena is?

Allyson: No. I mean, yes.

Me: Oh, yeah? Who is he?

Allyson: ...someone's dad?

Me: *facepalm*

I promise not to drop off the face of the Earth this time!

the Post-Easter Blues.

I took our Easter window clings down on Tuesday, because I forgot to do it on Monday. This development made Allyson quite peeved. By way of explanation, I told her that they had to come down since Easter was over. This made her even more peeved. Then I *thought* she forgot about it.

Yesterday she was playing in her room so I decided to check some e-mail. Suddenly she comes out, crawls in my lap, and looks up at me with those big blue eyes.

"Mommy?"
"Yes, Ally?"
"Are you very sorry you ruined my life?"
"When did I ruin...oh, is this because Easter's over?"
"Yes."
"Oh, okay. In that case, no. Not even a little."

Who knew window clings were such a big deal?

The Story of the Titanic

Our local library offers story time. They have one for preschoolers on Monday evenings or Tuesday mornings, and for toddlers on Wednesday mornings. I take Allyson to the Tuesday morning one. It's fun - they read a couple of books about that day's topic, they sing some songs, and there's a craft afterwards.

This week's topic: The Titanic. Which, as my friend Amanda (a children's librarian at a different library) pointed out, is kind of a heavy topic for preschoolers. But I'm reasonably sure they skipped over the whole "corpses bobbing in the sea" portion. (Totally stole that from Whose Line is it Anyway?).

I asked Allyson to tell me what the story was about. And here now, is the story of the Titanic, as told by Allyson J. Funk (age 3.5):

Well, Mommy, there was a boat. It was pretty big. Everything was okay until the captain hit that big ice cube. He wasn't being careful and then the boat sinked. After the boat sinked, he saw a polar bear. They got soaking wet. That's it, Mommy, that's the whole story. I want to play with the Legos before I make my craft.

If James Cameron had made that version, I probably would have liked it a little more.

Cat vs. Toddler, Round 1

Yesterday was laundry day at my mom's house. Super-fun! Sarcastically for me (I loathe doing laundry), legitimately for Allyson (Grandma Sue has CATS! And DOGS! And UNCLE KEVIN LIVES THERE! YIPPEE!)

It was nearing lunchtime and I was cooking some pasta (since it was all my mom had - have I mentioned she quit believing in going to the grocery store?). Ally was munching on some fruit snacks in the living room. All was quiet. Then, suddenly, I heard loud, anguished meowing. Then Allyson: "Oh, Waylon! You are not being kind to me!" (Waylon is one of my mom's two cats, so named because he wails a lot. The other cat, Mona, moans a lot. Such original names my mom came up with.)

In a decision I immediately regretted, I went to check it out. Everything LOOKED normal - Allyson eating fruit snacks, Waylon sitting there meowing and looking pained.

Me (a la Mr. Belding): Hey, hey, hey, *what* is going on in here?
Allyson: I wanted to share a fruit snack with Waylon but he told me "no thank you" and then he meowed at me!
Waylon: Meow.
Allyson: You stop it, Waylon! You don't want me to share with you, that isn't kind!
Waylon: *hiss*
Allyson: *hiss*
Me: Okay, that is enough out of both of you. Allyson, leave Waylon alone. Cats don't even eat fruit snacks. They eat kitty treats. Waylon, you stop hissing at Allyson right now.
Waylon: Meow. *hiss*
Me: That's it. (I picked Waylon up and tossed him into the basement.) Wow, that was weird.
Allyson: Mommy, would you like a fruit snack?
Me: Sure. Wait, did Waylon lick this one?
Allyson: *sigh* MOMMY. He told me "no thank you."

I guess I can add "cat referee" to my resume now.

A Great Injustice

Ben and I have agreed to give up all food that could be construed as Bad for You for Lent. That means candy, cookies, chips, fast food, pizza, etc.  So seeing as today would be my last hurrah, I took Allyson to McDonald's for lunch. (I guess I could get salads when I go there. But how is that fun?)

We go up to the counter to order. Allyson is making small talk with the cashier - "You have Build-a-Bear toys! I want one. My mommy took me there and I got a Hello Kitty doll!" That sort of thing.  Anyway, we get our food (chicken nugget Happy Meal for her, the two-cheeseburger Value Meal for me, with Diet Dr Pepper) and sit. Pull the toy out of her Happy Meal box... it's a Star Wars toy.  I immediately brought it to the counter to exchange it for the girl toy, but Allyson has already seen the mistake.

"Aw! It's a boy toy. They gave me the boy toy! Everybody! They gave me the BOY TOY!" And the rest of the patrons in the restaurant laughed. I did not. Mostly because I knew it would be the main topic of conversation for the foreseeable future. Indeed, during the entire meal: "I got the boy toy. But you got me the girl toy, and they said they were sorry. It was a mistake, the boy toy. These are the apples that were next to the boy toy."

It's been three hours, and she still brings it up about every 20 minutes just to make sure I haven't forgotten it yet.

I just wish I knew what possessed them to give her the boy toy anyway. Perhaps they were confused by the long hair and pink coat.  And I get that sometimes girls want to play with boy toys and vice versa, but Allyson is not one of those children. Because the last time this happened (yes, this has happened more than once), I tried to convince her to keep the robot. No dice. Oh well.

Chocolate chips are the answer to all of life's problems

Ally and I baked chocolate chip cookies today. She tried to take a bite of dough.
 "No, Allyson. Don't eat the dough."
 "Why?"
 "Because it's got raw eggs in it. That could make you sick."
 "But, Mommy, it's got chocolate chips in it. That means it's okay."

 Also, I just found out that one of my favorite SNL cast members, Paul Brittain, left the show. No more Goran "Funky Boy" Bogdan, no more Lord Cecil Wyndemere, no more "Sex" Ed Vincent! I wish him well, but am also disappointed. If Taran Killam leaves I'm swearing off that show forever.

Allyson is playing Angry Birds. She apparently lost: "Those mean pigs have ruined EVERYTHING." I love this kid.

Yesterday, while putting Ally in the car to go to church:

"What coat is this, Mommy? *sniffs my coat* Smells like blackberries."

And today I learned two things:
1. PB&J and peanut butter and jelly are two different things
2. putting your hands on your naked butt and saying "But Mommy, I'm covering!" is an acceptable alternative to pants.

Tomorrow morning I am taking Allyson to the doctor for her flu shot. And she cannot wait because "there are toys in the waiting room, Mommy. I am going to play with them." Five minutes later she said: "I have to go to the hospital right now. I'm sick,I need my flu shot."

Some days I wonder where she comes up with this crazy stuff. Then she tells me things like "you're my best mommy," and all of a sudden I don't care anymore.

"I have a joke for you," Allyson said to me this morning.

Allyson knows exactly two jokes:

1. How do you know there's been an elephant in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter
and
2. A certain knock-knock joke involving bananas and "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Only her punchline is "Banana Boots," or "banana Dora," or "banana (insert favorite character du jour here)

So anyway: "I have a joke for you. I call it 'Banana Joke.'"
"Oh yeah? Let me have it."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana."
"Banana who?"
"Banana Boots!"

And of course I laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.  I guess it's her catchphrase.

Speaking of: SNL - Kings of Catchphrase Comedy 2. I totally want to get on the radio at work and go "SLAPPY PAPPY WEH-WEH!"

Today, we were on the way to the library for story time. Halfway there we were passed by an ambulance, lights blaring.

Allyson: Mommy! What's that?
Me: Well, that's an ambulance. They take sick people to the hospital.
Allyson: And little kids can play in the waiting room!
Me: .... sure, honey.

Naptime for Dora.

Allyson was playing in her room this morning. She was putting her Dora Ballerina doll down for a nap, and wanted to read her a storybook. But first, of course, was to drag over her little Elmo chair. For some reason, the Elmo chair had her Elmo microwave in it. (You can totally tell what Ally's favorite TV show was last Christmas.)

Ally moved the microwave.  It then talked to her: "What are you making?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just reading a storybook to Dora."

Then she asked me to please leave, and got mad at me when I did it.

Music and Lyrics

Ben is really involved with music. He plays three instruments (clarinet, trombone and guitar), leads our church's praise band, has led our church's bell choir (but is stepping back because he wants to play again), and arranges stuff on occasion.

Recently our choir director (who is also our new bell director) wanted us to play a hymn. She has old music-writing software; she printed out a copy of what she'd written and gave it to Ben to take home and clean up.

Today, Allyson found a sheet of the old music. 

"Mommy!" she said, running up to me. "I worked very hard. I wrote this song for my daddy."

"Oh, great! Will you sing it for me?"

"Nope. I don't have a microphone."

"Please?"

"No microphone, no song."

And then I died of laughter.

She later scribbled on the music with a crayon, so I guess she KIND OF wrote a song. Ben was just impressed that she knew it was supposed to be music.

Allyson has ANOTHER cold. ANOTHER ONE. Good gravy.  She managed to work this one into her bedtime prayer last night too:

"Dear God, thank you for everything. Help me to feel much better. You love us even when we're not happy because we don't feel very good. We love you too. Jesus' name, Amen."

A trio of stories.

1. Saturday morning we were all hanging around before I had to be at work at noon. All of a sudden Allyson runs up to Ben, pulls down her pants and says: "DADDY! LOOK AT MY BUTT!"

2. This morning I woke up Allyson to tell her our Halloween plans.

"We're going to eat breakfast, and do some laundry at Grandma Sue's house. Then when Daddy gets home from work we'll put your costume on and go down to Grandma Deb and Grandpa Jim's house to go trick or treating. After that Grandpa Jim's going to feed us chili."

"That sounds nice. I will be dressed as a cat. You're just going to be dressed like my mommy."

Fun aside: Ben is going to wear his Albert Pujols t-shirt and carry around a small suitcase. He's going as Free Agent Pujols.

3. Just now, I was folding laundry in my mom's basement. Ally came down to "help" and saw a hole in the wall where a register cover goes (Mom hasn't gotten around to replacing it yet."

Ally: That's a hole. Duh.

Me (cracking up): What was that?

Ally: That was my voice saying duh.

She's so goofy.

Thanks a lot, kid.

Allyson was watching Dora while I got the breakfast stuff cleaned up. I started to dance around a little, mostly to try and wake myself up (I stayed up way too late watching the Cardinals win last night).

Allyson looks up and says: "Stop dancing, Mommy. You're bad at it."

Gee, thanks a bunch.